The friend hoggers

Typical characteristics: Mostly women, social butterflies, can pretend to be into everything and anything-name it-movies, books, sports, travel etc as long as the list covers the people they'd love attention from, boy-crazy, their best friends change every month, you feel you've known them for ages within 20 minutes of you meeting them, their criteria for turning up at parties is that they know the host's friend's wife's sister at least and they'd need to just be introduced to someone in order for them to become fb friends with him/her and exchange numbers over it.

They are a talented lot. They know exactly how to pick your closest friends and in a matter of few weeks initiate them into their life. And this is how it happens:

• Friend hogger (FH) meets your friend
• Adds him on FB
• FH is delighted when she finds out they have common social interests. Exchanges numbers.
• Now she texts him with random updates. Like " me and my friends are going for a trip to xxx, want to join in?"
• If your friend's lose he'll go along if he's sane he'll tell you about how weird the FH was
• If he's lose (may he burn in hell in that case) the FH with no sense of shame, dignity or esteem will be convenient for him and he will in that case spend more time with her.
• This may lead to one of the three things: a relationship, a fling or a NBF (new best friend with you out of the picture)
• At the end of all three, even though he will realize what an ass he was, your equation with him will never be the same
• The end of something very special for him and for you.

But- If you were smart you would've been able to spot those pretentious bitches and put them in their place. This is how:

Friend hoggers don't usually have a life of their own, it is ok to use their company for an occasional cup of coffee with an acquaintance but its not ok to invite them over to your place with your bum-chums around. They're dumb, so you can fluff them away and ignore them, they're most often emotionally fragile so a subtle threat from you could ward them off. But yet you may cross paths with some grade A bitches and to counter that you have to be at your charming best.. ofcourse it does'nt do much harm if throw in a line or two about her sideburns or stinky ordour ;)

The art of expression

Every girl dreams of a boy who is completely- immersed -neck deep in love with her. I want one like that too.. however I also want one who is slightly detached to keep me on my toes, to keep me wanting more.

Making a foray into understanding the above i figure post evaluation of a lot of cases that the 'you're my world' love becomes an irritant for people like me who love attention from all quarters and share independent and special equations with people who matter.

Having made this revelation known, the question was exactly how much is too much detachment. This results in a constant deprivation of latent unexpressed need states, ok in simpler words what frustrates you with this is you have your space but you still want to be treated like a princess- And that's not asking for a lot! To which one could retort " but you fell in love with me because i gave you space and now you want me to be demonstrative and suffocating". Correction: Demonstrative is not equal to suffocating when done moderately, in fact even if I may not reciprocate I will like it, in my head you get brownie points.

What we usually like is when you make an effort to place yourself right next to where we're sitting. When you offer to hold the bags. When you open the car door so that we can sit without our dress getting wrinkled. When you know when we ask you to leave us alone it actually means pester us till we tell you where you went wrong and plead guilty. When you don't give up and tell us how much you want to be with us even when we break up the 10th time and question our feelings and yours. When you roll up the window so that our hair does'nt get spoiled. When you admit that we are aesthetically more evolved and that our decision prevails in such matters. When you actually do a research before you take us out for dinner. When you flatter us and spoil us silly. When you text us for no specific reason.

If you don't do any of the above because you truly and genuinely cannot get hints and take us on face value, there's one thing which will make us pardon all your crimes: Its the way you look at us and the glint in your eyes which says that we're the most special person in the world and you cant get past a day without thinking about us. I guess Jane was bang on with her 'best part about the wedding' in 27 dresses.

Blah

Most girls have a rule which they always abide by. The one which says: Never tell a man you like him, in so many words, before he make a declaration ofcourse. I belong to the same clan and respect the ones who understand how much fun they'll miss out on and how miserable they will be when they shower their unconditional love on an unassuming individual. I mean I am all for women's lib and all that it brings with it but just the thought of breaking this rule makes me imagine a scene where the boy is inching himself closer to the door shying away and the girl is unleashing herself on him. Men like the hungry tigress but they would love to be devoured with some panache.

In fact women in so many years have mastered some typical strategies for this, so typical at times that theres almost a pattern to them.

1. The damsel in distress. She will make a guy want to take care of her, to protect her for she pretends not to know what evil exists. Shes gullible and naive. Cries at the drop of a hat. She lets him take advantage of her knowing fully that she will one day ask for something in return. Shes makes sure shes with him all the time and eats up all possible mental space. She suffocates him to the extent that he has no friends left and no options left whatsoever. They get together because now its only fair that they should.

2. Nakedness personified. She available and she makes sure you see it all the time- when she wears peep necks and bends to pick up her books, when she seems be falling all over you only one vodka down, when she keeps texting you about how she got her belly pierced and finally when she calls you to her room, upset and heartbroken and rests her head on your shoulders. If you still cant recognize her, heres a clue, your girl friends usually hate her and your boy friends convince you to give it a shot for a week.

3. The mental connection. Apparently shes really into your kind of music, shes really interested in your favourite book and wants to borrow it from you, she even loves chinese food just like you do. You love having a conversation with her because its easy, so smooth, its like it was meant to be. She knows exactly the kind of tea you like and when you need it. It seems she also agrees with the kind of future you see for yourself (ofcourse she wants to be in it so why not). Physically also she is not bad at all, in fact now you no longer see the dark circles and the double chin. It will last and last very long till she decides its time for you to get to know her well and that will just make you cringe.

4. You're plain lucky-she just knows you'll fall and you'll fall real hard! She on a raised platform and you've put her there. She'll sweep you off your feet with one innocent smile. You always want to be at your best around her, her wish is your command. Shes just so confident and non committal and thats such a turn on. You're so overwhelmed that it will take you a long time to get back to normal and she will make it worse because she derives a kick out of the disproportionate amount of attention she gets. Stay clear of this as it can leave you scarred forever if it were to fall apart, more so because shes bound to have a roving eye.

What such women fail to realize is that there is no love and no respect if its not 'on equal footing'. You'll either be kicked around or you'll mess up someone else's life. You shouldn't feel your're doing an obligation or be in so much awe that you lose yourself. Compatibility is afterall a nice healthy balance.

Steering past it

When i learnt how to drive, which is some two years back i noticed that in India how we drive is very similar to the way we work. We change lanes for which we overtake very often-from the left or right it doesn't matter as long as we get to the lane moving faster or from where we want to curve ahead. Everyone does it.

However the difference is some overtake without giving an indicator while some refuse to slow down even when they see the indicator blink. This is when accidents happen.

Incidentally I learnt how to drive around the same time I began my tryst with corporate life and no matter the number of scratches and dents in my car, I've never stopped driving or considered myself a bad driver. Also I no longer remain in a fowl mood for a very long time when there is an array of abuses from either side, I just let it pass and enjoy the music.

The same way I see a lot of crazy people at the wheel even at work, ready to overtake without the indicators on. The best way out is to let them collide head on into a pole. You'll feel sad sometimes when they blow off people in their way who did not see the indicators, learn from that. However some shrewd ones manage to elbow you at times but never let that make you lose track.

You cant break down.. you can only slow down when you've reached where you've wanted to go.

Capitalist inclinations

My primary reason for dropping out of a mass comm course was film appreciation. Why would someone spend 2 hours critically analyzing a godforsaken short film which made zilch.. or maybe like a few pennies. I realized art was at most times, for the sake of it and I wanted to ride on it, not drive it.

Competition is not known to artists as much as it is known to businessmen. During my B school days I did not study, I competed and the sheer ecstasy of being able to sprint ahead is worth all the blood and toil. Competition however should be synonymous with passion. The passion with which you strive to quench the thirst and ensure you're spot on, is itself something which will take you places.

There are two ways of working: one is detaching yourself from your work and focusing on how to get it done, Ex. One assignment given to a group of 5, divided into 4 topics each done by one person and put together with research reports by one-tada! job done. I call it the mechanical approach, but it works flawlessly for some. The other approach is immersing yourself, getting obsessed with your work, Thinking about the different possible solutions and the one which is most unique yet workable, I am an avid believer of this one. Ex. An assignment given to a group of 5, everyone has an opinion based on their research, a lot of debate, a heated discussion, one conclusion and everyone still might not agree with it completely.

The first will be crisp, to the point and match expectations. The second may go down exceptionally well or may even run the risk of being seen as awkward and complicated, yet it will always be remembered as strikingly different.

Keep feeding your hunger- don't worry if people laugh at you for being the first to open your books before the term end exams or if they think you faff your way through even if you worked tirelessly for it. In fact when they do this, forgive them- for they have helped you achieve what you wanted to... everytime when you've 3x 'ed your efforts to beat them dead and make them shit in their pants-Mercy is not what is known to us, more so in the years to come. I often feel that i get a sadistic pleasure when I am able to unnerve people by my overtly competitive nature, the sight of seeing them topple over due to the pressure is soothing.

Everytime now that someone says "you're here to learn and not compete" I smile inwardly because i know competition makes one learn faster. What one needs to perfect is how to view it objectively and not take it to your heart i.e to use it just as a means.

Other situations where you might want to use this: In the gym keep tracking the speed of the woman in the treadmill next to yours. While shopping especially during sales, try and reach on day one and scan through stuff at the speed of light, also be on guard and keep a tight grip on what you're holding onto p.s take your boyfriend along to hold onto extra stuff. While reading a thick book, start with someone and try and finish before him. At work always outdo your boss and have all the answers, never let him catch you off guard. At a concert, be on time/arrange for VIP tickets/get to know the organizers and make sure you have the best seats.

Situations where you should not use this: Food (its just bad manners and makes you look like a glutton). When in love (no room for selfishness here). With family & friends (because you want to see them smile- always).

Just cant get enough

To start with there are always categories- broad categories into which you can slot everything. Its is never apparent in the beginning but give it some time and you'll know what I'm talking about.

Well a story might begin with attraction but it needs much more to be able to sustain it and here I'm not talking gyan on mental compatibility etc but plain physical appeal . Shes pretty and hes a rockstar but when you move beyond to see the dirt accumulated in her ear and hear his girly moans, then where do you run?

When I say a persons attractive it could mean only 3 things and it is in your best interest to recognize them asap.

1. A person is a stunner. Shes got blue eyes and brown hair and her skin is peaches and cream. Hes got silky hair which falls over his face, a nice tan and strong arms with which you want him to hold you and never let you go. BUT theres always a catch to this- She usually does'nt know if Ayn Rand is a he or a she, He usually does not know which phrase is to be used where OR her 'please love me' expressions which she thinks are cute are just repulsive and his hair which you thought was smooth and silky is thinning and you can see it when he sweats like a pig after his 'I'm a jock' game.

2. The person is by popular vote above average. No deformities from a distance. But its only a while till you realize he looks better when he does'nt smile because when he does his nostrils take up 3/4ths of the space on his face. So day after day you cant help but notice how turned off you are by this irritating feature of his. You jostle with the idea that you might get used to it but damn you cant!

3. The person is pleasant looking, noone has noticed him so far, he doesn't make heads turn but sometimes you cant help but wonder that his eyes are so soft or his back is so toned. You wonder what it would be like if his hands rested upon your shoulder or if his eyes met yours intently. You want to be able to feel his emotions of care, concern and of love. And then you think you've snapped out of it, but each day you're with him you know your eyes light up with one look at him, you long to see him the days that you haven't. With each passing day his face grows on you... its like you just cant get enough.

And trust me you'd give anything to be able to feel this.

Cut to the chase-Are you sure?

An option is an option and will always remain an option.

And an option you'd agree is synonymous with back-up, so its always a compromise. No matter how much you try and make yourself feel that the purple dress highlights your toned shoulders and is really chic, you know deep down it could never match the scintillating red stunner of a dress you'd set your eyes on, saved up for and finally cursed yourself for not being able to fill up a size bigger than yours because as it happens the last piece in size S was bought off by some greedy bitch just an hour back. So now what... you settle for the next best alternative.. afterall its just a matter of threatening your hairdresser to wave the magic wand which will make thou the fairest of them all. At times when the almighty pities you and wants to ensure that you don't feel like a loser he sends a tall broad shouldered (read manly) yet okay looking person of the same sex wearing the exact same thing which makes you appreciate the fact that with a very slight percentage of the effort shes put in it'll be a cake walk for you to turn heads- Now if you try and decode that, its pure consolation.

Also an option is an option in the first place because you can get it easy. Why would i ever be in love with a pair of cotton pyjamas when I can shower my affection on my emerald green crushed silk dress. Although I'll still require my comfy pyjamas to sleep in and wear them on a lazy winter morning when all I want to do is have pizza in bed, but at no cost will I trade my green beauty for it.

However when an option is an option for the lack of other better options most women try and make-do with a first copy, they try hard to love it and treasure it and develop feelings which they previously had not known simply because it supports their whim and stands with them through thick and thin.

The modus operandi is known only to a few intelligent people who wear iron gloves before burning their fingers and snap out just when they begin to feel the heat.

And trust this coming from one of them: You might feel bad and at times sick that there is someone who cares for you so much that noone can equal it and you are just indifferent. That there is someone who looks at you and figures out when you're upset and then knows exactly what will cheer you up, but no matter how hard you try to feel love for them you just cant. At that point in life you may feel you've never known someone as insensitive as yourself. But don't be so hard on yourself, remember once an option always an option and don't let that keep you from finding the Red dress.